In the Quest of Love:Encore-Final Part

IN QUEST OF LOVE-ANITA’S STORY

ANITA’S TRIP TO CHANDANNAGORE

Anita had grown up. She was born in the mid 1980s.

Earlier she was given fairy tales to read. Now she had to be the architect of her happiness. Nature had made her retain a beautiful child-like sweetness and innocence complementing her lady-like personality. 

She had to firmly hold the steering of her life to construct fairy tale instead of giving in to undesirable outcomes even during bleak periods and the surmounting irritations caused by unreasonable, problematic, troublesome people with strange complicacies and strange, crooked ways.

There were unresolved problems, life seemed stagnant at times, unexpected problems cropped up. At times it was difficult to think and feel well. She was ready to be instrumental in making the ordinary extraordinary through shift in perspective and conscious efforts. 

Childhood was about enjoying happiness-the gates of happiness were opened by others. Adulthood demanded creating happiness, peace on one’s own accord often under trying circumstances.

She became thirsty for solo detox trips. Away from irritating people, complicacies, gnawing problems, no need to give explanations of personal choices, everything under your own control and responsibility- nothing can be as heavenly, relaxing, rejuvenating and peaceful as a conscientiously planned solo trip. 

Her mother had her roots in Chandannagore. Her parents had travelled widely in India and abroad, but neither she, nor they had ever visited Chandannagore.

One day when she was planning for some solo travels, she decided to research about Chandannagore. From the internet and You Tube she got good information and contacts to plan her travel. Everything fell into place. One sunny December morning she set off for Chandannagore in a rented car with one of her trusted drivers.

She felt very happy.

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.’’ Gerard Way

Her driver went straight from AJC Bose Road Flyover, Vidyasagar Setu and then took Old Delhi Road-Santraganchi…………Sreerampore……then a right hand turn came leading to Chandannagore. She went for a long stretch –just seemed to be any ordinary nice place,nothing spectacular as such. There were no traces of any kind of French influence. She passed through a busy marketplace for a long time, then a big playground having the signboard “Welcome to Chandannagore’’ Suddenly on her left she saw St.Mary’s Church she had seen in the internet.

She was delighted. From a distance she could see the Ganges. She was the first entrant in the church that day. She got a very welcoming feeling when she entered. She stayed inside for a long time and somehow felt she had been here before, she had come and prayed. Inside there were many idols of Lord Jesus and Mother Mary. She observed carefully.

She prayed for making her life more joyous and peaceful, especially to bring in more positive people in her life. The negativity coming from her father and lover’s side was just too much and they would do nothing to check it. Uncertainty has many thrills but often in some vital issues generates anxiety. She wanted peace and happiness. The environment of the church was so soothing and divine! She felt at one with God.

She suddenly saw a fleeting vision of her in a pristine white wedding gown standing with a bouquet of the most fresh and beautiful flowers. The flowers seemed to smile and dance with joy. It was early morning around 9.30 am and the golden rays of the sun were streaming inside. She was very imaginative and thought she was just having a flight of fantasy but then again when she went near the altar she felt as if she was in a wedding gown. The breeze was loaded with the fragrance of beautiful flowers everywhere. When she did walk her way towards the exit she felt like a newly- wed bride. She felt like she was holding the hand of a man. But try as she might, she could not envision the man- the man seemed like a shadow, only she could get the feeling, not an idea of his form.

She was kind of immersed in this sensation. She was wondering who this man can be. She looked around everywhere as if her eyes were searching for him. But only she could sense a feeling of being embraced or held by a man, nothing more than that, however hard she tried.

The car moved forward and took a right turn. The beautiful strand and Ganges was towards her left. She saw Dupleix Palace, one of the places she intended to visit and spend time on her right. She went inside, but she was informed that the museum had not yet opened. But she could go to the backyard. In the backyard there was a big garden where she spent some time. The garden somehow seemed familiar to her. Even when the pebbles crunched under her feet while entering she sensed some connection with the place. 

She wondered, clicked some photographs and then decided to while away her time viewing the Ganges.

The view of the Ganges was certainly beautiful. She saw an open quadrangular space in the Strand. Two men were standing. She wished she was alone. She loved that place. She gazed intently at the waters of the Ganges beaming with sunshine. The Ganges here seemed so dear to her! She looked endearingly. She walked along the Ganges on the main road and saw the Patalbari, statues of Rabindranath Tagore and Iswar Chandra Vidyasagar-luminaries of Bengal who had frequented that place. Patalbari is not open to visitors anymore. The condition of the building was also not very satisfactory.

She spent some more time viewing the Ganges. Certain places were not so crowded, other places were flocked mainly by students and passers-by. She selected solitary corners. The place was not very spectacular but somewhere she sensed a love for this place. She dismissed the seriousness, “Well, there must be something beautiful about this place that draws visitors…..nothing more than that.’’

She spent some time in her car having some homemade food. Then she made her way towards Dupleix Palace. 

She heard one of the school girls exclaim on the road as she was crossing, “She can be a French lady.’’

She was amused. In the Dupleix Palace she found a group of female students and a young male student who had come alone. She had to submit her bag with camera. She got a locker where she kept her belongings. She then entered. 

The museum display and artifacts were very interesting. But certain places and displays created greater impact on her. A letter of Iswar Chandra Vidyasagar written in his own handwriting was a discovery indeed. 

There were some paintings of Monet, Degas and other French artists in an enclosed shelf with glass windows. The labels of the paintings were so faint or faded that she could not read properly. This hurt her very much.

When she entered General Dupleix’s living room and saw the kettles in blue and white, the sitting arrangement, the chandeliers, somehow she felt she had been in a similar place earlier. She envisioned many elegantly dressed men and ladies conversing. 

At one corner she saw an organ or piano. She felt that she had played it before. Melodious notes of waltz and Tagore songs seemed to ring in her ears.

She entered General Dupleix’s bedroom. She saw his bed with a blue bed cover. There were some stairs leading to the bed. She saw a big oval mirror in one corner. She found the mirror to be interesting and stood for some time observing her reflection. Suddenly in the mirror she saw a lady dressed in a yellow French attire of olden times. The lady looked very much like her. She stepped few steps back. Then she again stepped forward and looked at the mirror. She saw her reflection in her present attire. She felt bewildered. She saw again and again, but she only saw her normal self.

She again went to the living room and bedroom, observed and paused. Melodies of Rabindrasangeet and waltz seemed to flow in the gentle breeze. She felt like dancing. She suddenly felt she was holding the hand of a man. The man was in close proximity. The feeling was very gentle and loving. The sensation was very powerful. She again searched all around as if she was searching for her beloved, but no, she could not see anyone special.

She went out, took her belongings and told the man in charge, “ I want to point out something. The labels of the paintings are incomplete or faint. This should be taken care of.’’

The man replied cordially, “You go to Madam’s room(pointing out the direction)and tell her.’’

She did as directed. Madam was sitting inside. 

Madam voiced many grievances.

“See, if you would have come here one year ago you would have found everything in a more disorganized state of affairs. We have worked and this condition has been achieved. What can we do in a place where few employees are recruited and one employee is expected to do the job of four employees? There is delay in funding and also the processing of official instructions.’’

She had a friendly conversation with Madam. She felt very welcome, not like a stranger.

Madam assured her, “Come after one year. You will like this place much better.’’

She finally did leave the place.

She wanted to buy few special sweets. In a sweet shop which she liked called Das Sweets she purchased jalbhora sandesh and another soft gur sandesh with malai.

She had a happy homecoming. A bonus on her way home was the sight of Dakshineswar, one of her most favourite places from Dakshineswar Bridge. The driver knew that she loved Dakshineswar and had intentionally planned the return journey so that she could get a glimpse. 

Even though she did not like gur, she liked the sandesh-the sweet was very mild and the sandesh was very soft. 

Overall, the journey was very smooth and the time taken on road was lesser than expected- she had cruised her way smoothly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

ANITA NOTICING CHANGES

MARRIAGE VENUE, GARDEN EPISODE

After this visit she noticed certain changes. 

Often she felt the presence of a man. She felt happy and had happy recollections, happy moments.  

That Christmas she did not desire to go to any church. She simply saw the photos and videos of St. Mary’s church and felt at one with the place.

She had certain differences with her lover she did not like. She also had certain elements of uneasiness. She could not fully surrender to him. But now she felt the presence of a man as if giving her and doing with her certain things she would have expected from her lover, or she would like to happen.

She went out in the afternoon for a walk. It was a pleasant sunny winter afternoon. Suddenly she came across a beautifully decorated entrance. She understood it was for a wedding ceremony. Somehow she loved the decoration of the entrance to such an extent that she stopped to examine and observe closely.

The entrance was decorated with artificial flowers. The U-shaped entrance had a series of shades of pink and white flowers at the top, with beautiful pendulous inflorescences of a variety of shades. On both the sides were white branches with gold, silver and white leaves. There were big roses, much bigger than the usual size and beautifully shaped. There were white, magenta, pink roses. She looked at the roses for a long time. On both the sides there were draperies of white, baby pink and a very soft shade of orange. That touch of orange had added an extra beauty. A green carpet was laid at the entry, but she would have preferred the orange color or maybe white. Pink and white winter flowers complemented the dream-like artificial decoration. Inside the wedding venue there was a beautiful chandelier and the same colors have been used for decoration.

She did not understand why the entrance created such an indelible impression on her mind. Chiffons, silks and satins of those shades would be so lovely-sarees, lehengas, veils, gowns, floral hair decorations teamed with silver, diamond ornaments with stones!

She suddenly felt as if she was dressed as a bride and a princely man had come forward to ask for her hand in marriage. The feeling was very powerful. She felt so overjoyed!

How about if there was a lotus pond in front of such a venue with large lotus leaves! Pheasant tailed jacana- a special bird is specially seen in the monsoon and winter season walking on lotus leaves. Jacana has various varieties and what had always surprised her is how could this bird walk on water? She had not seen a jacana from close-up, but when she came to know about the existence of this bird in a magazine, she simply marveled this special creation of God. She had seen videos in You Tube how this bird effortlessly moved over the leaves walking over water. The structure of the feet and also how the weight of the body is balanced to prevent sinking of the bird and leaves has always surprised her. 

In the vicinity there was a beautiful garden with an assortment of flowering plants and vegetables- a gardening enthusiast’s genuine labor of love amidst trying circumstances. She especially loved the vibrant Flame Vine-the vibrant orange always added a dash of color to her mind and entire soul. There were separate floral beds of Dianthus, Cineraria, Verbena, Aster, Calendula, Snapdragon of different colors, Dahlia, Petunias, Salvia, Marigold. She saw beautiful butterflies at times. On the vegetable bed were cauliflowers, coriander leaves, tomato plants. The flower garden always seemed to smile. She loved the garden. Suddenly she felt a man presenting her with some beautiful fresh flowers. 

REMINISCENCE-FRENCH CONNECTIONS 

THE BLUE SAREE FASCINATION

The winter evenings got colored up with fond remembrances. 

Reminiscence of fond memories of the past……………..her childhood, many memories associated with French connections, happy memories that have sunk deep began to resurface.

In many ways life seemed to go into a downward spiral and consciously efforts had to be made not to slip down. Often she felt caged in many strange long-term problems which seemed to have no solution and association with strange people whom she could not get rid of. Many people seemed inclined to pull her down. The bad and ugly side of many people, ugly truths, strange unexpected complicacies were there and this period was not very pleasant but had a dark charm because she had made efforts to create charm. She was on her guard and could not afford to make wrong things or irreparable damages happen during such times.

 She tried to lift herself up, become emotionally more powerful, reminding her of her specialties and all the good life had offered to her and was still offering. 

After her visit to Chandannagore somewhere she felt the presence of some spirit of a lover trying to uplift her and lighten the burdens in her mind in some way by replacing disturbing thoughts with fond remembrances and pleasurable sensations. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Now, her parents were Bengalis, preferring many western customs and concepts that were meant for a better life. Of course, art and culture of Bengal was highly appreciated and the lovely Bengali language.

 Anita’s upbringing molded her into a personality with eclectic tastes. She herself looked like a sweet pleasant Bengali lady with western touches in her looks, also in many of her preferences and habits. She would like to make creative fusion between the best of western and Indian elements. She had a preference for the soft and gentle, also moderation. She loved soft pastel shades a lot. She loved places of worship where there was solitude and silence. She loved churches-the silence, the high ceilings, the peace where she could feel at one with God. She admired the Bengali language for the sweetness and expressive ability. Studying the lovely works of literature in Bengali was always a pleasure for her.

Her father had visited Paris as a part of his Europe tour when he was a student of Trinity College, Cambridge. He did look like a handsome Bengali gentleman, but many Europeans also thought he looked like a European-Dutch or Italian. He had said that he when he visited Versailles-the palace and garden he had a feeling that somehow, he had been here earlier. The place did not seem to be very unfamiliar. He appreciated art, and had bought a book on Rembrandt and postcards of some famous European paintings.

Her grandfather had visited many places of the world as making tours was a part and parcel of his job. He had also visited Paris. One of her mother’s relatives got married to a man in a very ordinary set-up but this man later relocated to Paris and made it big there.

Her mother had a preference for French essences. She had a French chiffon saree gifted to her by her father. Anita had a special liking of the saree with floral ecstasy in shades of peach and brown. The texture was very light and delicate. Her mother had a French pen friend Sophie Auperin with whom she had maintained regular contact for 3-4 years. Sophie sent many heartwarming letters to her including postcards of beautiful places in France.

Since childhood she had painting as a hobby. When she grew up, she took a water colour course and somewhere developed a penchant for conceptual painting. She had visited galleries before and even though she felt some kind of connection and wished if she also could give exhibition of her pictures, she had never thought that she would later get recognition a s a painter.

From a store of Ananda Publishers she had bought a book written by Sunil Gangopadhyay about France-“Chhobir deshe Kobitar Deshe’’(The land of pictures and poems). There for the first time she had seen paintings of Claude Monet-Sunrise-she did not understand why this particular painting created an indelible impression on her mind.

Later she would like Claude Monet more, especially his series of paintings of water lilies. She was fascinated by his daily routine also – getting up early in dawn, having early breakfast, then early light lunch sharp at 11.30 am , and an early dinner. It matched her routine too because in her family such a routine was followed in day to day life. It suited her more and she could function at her best. 

 There were paintings of Renoir, Cesanne, an account of French writers like Emile Zola. She found the book to be very sustaining and enriching in many ways. Later one day when she had gone to College Street and asked a book vendor what uncommon books were available, he had smiled and handed her a book containing paintings of Pablo Picasso and insisted that she should buy it and keep it with her. She went through the book-that was the first time she saw paintings of Picasso. A brief account of the different phases of his life was also given. She got so surprised when she saw most of the paintings-she had seen nothing like this before, she could not understand anything, many of the paintings seemed very striking at first glance. She thought that she must have lack of understanding, that is why she was not in a position to truly appreciate the works. It was a pocket book-a kind of directory of his paintings. She knew she had something very special in her hands, but then again she wondered, “Why is this vendor so eager to give this to me? I am not fit to have this. Maybe it will be better if I return this to do justice to another art enthusiast who could truly appreciate the works of the legendary painter.’’ She went through it and gave it back to the vendor. But somewhere she could not forget the experience.

She started getting feelings to spontaneously express through paintings. The paintings that came out were mostly in water colour. There were distortion of lines and forms that came to her very naturally, the flow of colours was according to her own rhythm, and the paintings were very expressive also. She understood somewhere that the paintings had some specialty and she was given permission to conduct a solo art exhibition. She was thrilled.

One senior male artist did react a lot to her paintings. In front of one painting showing a mother-daughter relationship he stopped and said, “This is something like Picasso, only the hand is not very well trained. ‘’ Then he asked her, “What do you know about Picasso?’’ He had said, “If this exhibition would have happened in France you would just have seen the response.’’ She was not in a position at that time to realize all this. 

She was quite bewildered. She recounted that experience in College Street and told him with honesty. He had later said that some of the paintings had some similarities with Matisse and Picasso. She had never ever seen paintings of Matisse or Picasso in detail. When she had created the artwork, Picasso was the last person to be in her head. All had come very naturally.

In her third solo exhibition, one eminent authoress had written in the feedback, “ Some of her paintings radiate a soft flowery colour scheme, some others are sketched in harsh, bold strokes, reminding one of Toulouse –Lautrec’s style. Another picture reminded me of a still life by Matisse. ‘’

Now, she did not even know of Toulouse –Lautrec. Only after receiving this feedback did she search the internet and know about this phenomenal exceptional painter. 

Rabindranath Tagore’s first exhibition of paintings was organized in Paris by Victoria Ocampo. The response was very good. As an artist she knew this. In Jorashanko Thakurbari there is a photo of the poet selecting paintings to be exhibited. She somehow loved the photo.

At one point of time she bought her own portable DVD player. Nearby her house there was a university with department of film studies. So in a DVD store, DVDs of many interesting films were available. There was a series of Hollywood Oscar awarded films, and in that list there was a biography of famous French author Emile Zola-“The Life of Emile Zola’’(1937) which she had watched. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

She loved blue sarees. She had a blue silk saree meant for children in her early school days. She admired the blue sarees of her mother very much-Blue silk baluchari, blue silk sarees, blue chiffons, blue tangails…… ……blue georgette…blue of different shades………sky blue, royal blue, turquoise, navy blue. As an adult she was first gifted with a blue saree on her sixteenth birthday-a sky blue tant benarasi with purple and zari border. After that different blue sarees became a special part of her wardrobe. She loved to see the transition of the sky, especially during the phase between sunset and the beginning of evening………….the transition involving so many different shades and hues, and with the approaching evening, the different shades of blue.

She loved a Nazrulgeeti which her mother used to sing describing Radha-“Nilambori Saree Pori Nil Jomunaye Ke Jaaye.’’She loved the imagery of Radha portrayed in the song clad in a beautiful blue saree approaching the blue Yamuna river with a kalsi.-

 Her beauty has blossomed like a full-blown lotus with soft petals. Her gait is as smooth and graceful like a drifting lotus flower. As she walks, the bees cluster around the ankle of her feet like a nupura. Each bee is like the bell of a nupura and their humming creates a beautiful orchestra as she walks on her way to river Yamuna. The sweet sound produced by the continuous friction between her bangles and the outer surface of her kalsi shakes the listless champavana to consciousness. Her kajal , which has got a bit smudged, adorns her beautiful eyes in which the deer and the restless khanjana bird seem to dance. Beautiful flowers like Palash, Madhavi, Asoka blossom in response to her rhythmic graceful movements. The forest gets lightened up by her charming presence. In response to her beauty, Nature, without giving any prior hint, makes “ranga godhuli’’ appear in the cloud-veiled sky. The lively waves of the blue waters of the Yamuna rush towards her and sweep the river bank to greet her when she reaches with her kalsi.

She learnt the song and later she had conceived of a dance sequence with this song. She had danced in a beautiful blue bomkai saree. 

She had first visited her lover’s house in a sky blue saree in the early morning. Her lover had marveled her beauty. She had once dated him in a restaurant in a deep blue and yellow saree which she had worn in a Durga Puja dance performance and a cultural function as well. Her first dance function where she had presented her first choreography was in a blue silk saree. She was dressed like a peacock and danced as a girl admiring the peacock celebrating the different emotions of life.

Now after returning from Chandannagore she had a dream where she was dressing up in a blue saree before the arrival of her beloved in front of a big mirror. The dream was so real that when she woke up she felt as if she was attired the way she had seen in her dream. But no………………..she was in her night dress.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

HER PRESENT LOVER

Valentine’s Day and Saraswati Puja celebrations had coincided in one day this year. Even though red roses continued to be a classic favourite, the choice of yellow sunflowers, roses and marigolds had made deep inroads into modern romantic preferences. She got immersed in dreams of love in shades and hues of yellow and decided to make efforts to create magic in yellow, one of her most favorite colours. 

She had a yellow saree adorned with floral extravaganza in shades of yellow, mauve, pink and purple. She made an effort to get beautifully dressed and self shoot some performances of love songs and romantic dance sequences for a Facebook page one or two days before. She had bitter-sweet experiences in her love life, of late the bitterness exceeding the sweetness in many ways. But even though sometimes we get angry on love or feel sick and shattered, love is such an emotion that it keeps on recreating a certain kind of magic and makes us also immerse ourselves in the magic of love in some way or the other , no matter how much overwhelming our bitterness has been. 

Sometimes she found it very difficult to pardon her lover for all the bitterness he had given. They were poles apart in many ways and were at loggerheads many times. But he was the one to send her message of love in the very early morning of Saraswati Puja and Valentine’s Day. He was honest but his money and health management was very poor and often she had to make up for many of his inadequacies. All this sometimes crossed a reasonable limit, and she would feel irritated and want to severe ties with him and never see his face again, envision some modern advanced handsome man as her lover but again he would say sorry or come back to her and renew the relationship. He would even admit that he was not suitable for her. He would tell her everything he wanted to say the days they have not talked. He had honesty no doubt. They had a lot of honesty in their relationship. She would soften towards him, but often could not come to terms with him. Often he would seem to be manipulative, often very concerned. He confused her. 

Inside her often she would experience a struggle, a revolt. 

But she had experienced many special moments with him, moments of such closeness and intimacy. She had never done the things she had done with him with any other man. She was practicing not to let her complaining side get the better of her. She was grateful to God about the love she had received even there were many troublesome issues she had never even dreamt of. 

Her mother had gifted her a new beautiful yellow saree even though she would have been content in wearing her other yellow sarees which she had worn a few times.

She did not like too much rituals in worship. Her worship was different. She liked to celebrate Saraswati Puja by doing activities close to her heart that were related to maybe painting, singing, dancing, writing, creating something, of course wearing a yellow saree. It was not that she had not participated in Pujas. She had enjoyable experiences no doubt. But in her home even though Ma Saraswati was not worshipped in a ritualistic way, the devi would be worshipped in other ways. He would tell her, “Oh, in your house there are no pujas.’’ She would earlier get angry, but now she had become more calm. 

But he would be the one to first wish her, talk to her. This time also there was no exception. He had wished her as early as 5.30 am in the early morning. He called her and heard the sound of her fingers clicking the keyboard. “So, what are you doing, writing love letters to your lovers?’’ he had jokingly asked. Yes she was writing . Certain thoughts had come to her that she felt she could do away with, but now she felt the urge to write to get it out of her system. She felt that relationship of an individual with God should be true. Different people of different mentalities have different forms of worship. What you can do whole-heartedly is your form of true worship because God values truth. She was very honest and could not do anything half-heartedly just for the sake of being a people pleaser or showing off. Worship was more in her heart and as she grew older she valued solitude in her worship. 

He had always emphasized blowing the conch shell in the house, and she did not have the practice in her home and often they had a debate. Now one day she went to Dakshineswar and found beautiful conch shells. She asked for a conch shell that was easiest to blow and she was shown a beautiful big conch shell which she liked a lot and felt that it was of very good quality. She bought it, something she had never done in her life and tried to blow through it, making such funny sounds….even you tube videos did not help. Then she asked her maid, and her maid said that she learnt from her father-in-law and was also awarded a prize in a conch. Well there should be division of labour, not everybody is good at everything. After that she did not tell him anything, but very morning the maid will blow the conch shell thrice. She admitted, “The shankh is of very good quality.’’ One day he called her and overheard. He asked, “ What beautiful shonkhodhwoni(sound of conch shell ) I heard. Where ?’’ She said, “ In my house …….’’. She elaborated further. He was so pleased. 

Today she did drape herself in a yellow dhakai saree. She had a class in the morning. She went out in the afternoon to get darshan of the Saraswati idol in her community. Very surprisingly when she stood in front of the devi she received his phone call. He made a video call and saw her and Ma Saraswati. He exclaimed,“You are looking so beautiful today. Do click good pictures and send to me. So you said that you had prayed to ma Saraswati and you did not want to disclose your prayers to me. What were your prayers?’’

She replied, “Well, I am extremely grateful to the goddess for showering her blessings on me in education. But now I want to have an educational as well as art and culture institution of my own. I pray to her for strength, clarity , direction and helping me take the proper initiatives and decisions.’’

He smiled and repeated, “I love you ‘’ many times.

He was going through a bad patch of time and he was not able to manage himself properly.

Sometimes he would lift her, she was far more modern and advanced. Sometimes he would get jealous and try to pull her down to his level. She would get the best of praises and the worst of hurts ,rudest of shocks from him and sometimes she would fear him as well and feel like “Why God you sent him to me? No other girl would have, and will put up with his nuisance. Why me?’’ Then again she would soften. He was too much talkative and she talked far less. Uff! At times he would talk so much…….so headachy!

Whenever he called, he expected her to take the phone immediately and if she ever said, “I am calling you later’’ he would also reply when she called her, “I will call you later.’’ She had often said, “See, when I call you often you also say that you will call later and I understand absolutely. So from my side this will happen sometimes. Why can’t you take it normally?’’

He will not try to drag her into his unfavorable circumstances. 

He was very rigid and took a long time to bend. She was far more open-minded and flexible.

Despite the differences, he had always promised loyalty to her. He had lots of qualities, but also many faults, strange problems. But he was the one to wish her on this day and acknowledge her love. He had admitted that she had always stood by his side during a very rough patch of his life and he would never leave her, even if she left him. She had many times not even spoken to him for a month, but he had restored relationship with her. 

He trusted her a lot. 

He was crazy, he was confusing. But he adored her. Sometimes he seemed caring, sometimes uncaring but again the bonding would get strong. What kind of chemistry this can be only God knows! She often felt bewildered, perplexed. The fact that he always kept on showing up again and again, not being able to keep promises at times but again show up.

She was close to him, but there was a certain element of uneasiness.

There were certain gaps that could not be bridged, but he would apologize and keep on coming back to her. Somewhere she would also soften but her mind would always search for another man.

Early in their relationship he appreciated her modern, advanced outlook. But sometimes he became jealous. One day in his house he had threatened her, “What your parents do or your modern advanced things do not matter here. You see once you come.’’ There was a certain maliciousness and sadistic pleasure in his tone. He had said, “You and your mother have not experienced any pain in life. (After breaking one of his promises that had shocked and pained her and her mother literally- she had felt that the world had turned upside down, never had she felt so horrible in life.) Well, what is this pain compared to what I have experienced? ‘’

Nobody should ever compare or equate their experiences with others. He did not have the maturity to understand that. What an ungrateful mean person he certainly was! Was he really worthy of her love? He had also said sorry later. His contradictory nature confused her a lot.

She was more than nice and what would she get in return of her nicety? She had met him in a very helpless situation in his life and guided him continuously towards light. And what would he do? Take advantage of her and drag her into hell? She was large-hearted, she never bragged or boasted about herself or belittled anybody, she was humble. But being too nice or humble simply does not work with some people. She had started to realize that.

She had almost forgotten her past glorious memories and somewhere the spirit of a man was reminding her of her worth and standard- she deserved better in life. She was not a criminal.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

TRAVEL DIARIES

Lots of photographs have been taken to preserve the precious memories of her travels.

 She felt that a man was holding those photo albums and directing her to go through those memories instead of letting disturbing thoughts plague her mind.

As a little baby she went to Monterey and Carmel in Monterey County, California, U.S.A.-two lovely places by car from Sunnyvale. Hollywood filmstar Clint Eastwood was mayor of Carmel-by-the –Sea at that time. He still continues to reside there. Hollywood actress Doris Day stayed there until her death. Carmel is one of the most iconic places and regarded as one of America’s top beach towns. Her next travel was to Las Vegas, where she stayed in Circus Circus hotel, a family fun vacation destination. This hotel was founded in 1968 and still exists. It is famous for having the largest permanent circus in the world.She went to Disneyland by plane. The hotel authority had made some reservation problems but it was a blessing in disguise. They got the privilege to stay in Hilton terrace on the topmost floor. There were glass walls and a wonderful view of the swimming pool was visible. Knott’s Berry Farm, another famous theme park in Buena Park, California was nearby. She had come to Calcutta by Japan Airlines via Delhi. She had a stopover in Tokyo in a sophisticated airport hotel Nikko Narita which still exists. It is located about 10 minutes away from Narita International Airport. She went to Essex Junction, Vermont in New England area by plane. Twice she had visited Montreal in Quebec, Canada- a place having a strong French influence by car. Once she had stayed in La Grande hotel. She went to Hampton Beach, the most popular beach in New Hampshire state in the east coast of America 4-5 times. She had visited Poughkeepsie, New York and Albany in New York state. Her father worked in IBM and he went to Poughkeepsie to visit IBM office. She had been to John F Kennedy International Airport and LaGuardia Airport in New York state.She had gone through a tour of Franklin.D.Roosevelt’s house in Hyde Park,New York.She remembered in one of these airports royal blue curtains she had admired a lot and a cute ring with an apple that was purchased from one of the airport stores.In Boston she had gone to MIT and Harvard. She remembered a dolphin show she had seen in a ship. She returned to Calcutta in the early nineties. In her return journey to Calcutta she had come by Tai Airways via Seattle. In Seattle she had stayed in a Double tree hotel suite. She remembered a very long dressing area with a big mirror.

 She visited the best of places in Calcutta. Of course there is no end in discovering Kolkata she had felt.

 She also visited Adyapith, Dakshineswar, Diamond Harbour, Shyamnagar, Santiniketan, Bishnupur, Baduria, Madhyamgram, Kalimpong, Sikkim. 

She had seen a beautiful view of the Kanchenjungha during sunrise from the top of a hotel in Pelling.

The reminiscence enlivened her. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

EARLY CHILDHOOD RECOLLECTIONS

One day she envisioned a man whispering to her, “Try to remember your early childhood days.’’

Her recollection when she enjoyed her childhood in U.S.A…………………………..

She was initially in California…………..her parents had clicked a lot of photos………but she had no memory as such………………….her parents had taken pregnancy classes together and she was born by proper pregnancy planning…………there were so many beautiful books on pregnancy and child birth that a woman can read in her different stages of development…………………..there are beautiful books on child behavior and development………….Child and Baby Care by Dr. Benjamin Spock being one of the best and most referred……………..her mother always consulted that book during her different stages of development and also made her read………….so many of society’s wrong misconceptions and lack of awareness did not affect her health and mind in many ways…………….

In New England area of U.S.A. where her father had worked and stayed for a while she had her most vivid memories. The house was single-storied, big one. Her parents had two cars-a maroon-colored Mazda and a silver hued Toyota. Her mother learnt driving in U.S.A., got her driving license and had a very good record. The garage was electronic-there was a remote – if you pressed the garage door went up. If you switched another button the garage door went down and got shut. There were car-washing days.

In front of her house was a green expanse-there was a maple tree, very famous in the area and an apple tree, from where she picked apples with her mother in a basket. Often birds would come and peck the apples. She loved apples. Besides the entrance door there bloomed tulips. She had green water pale with a sprout with which she used to water the plants. In the backyard was a big meadow of soft grass with some pine trees scattered here and there, with the backside being a kind of forest of coniferous trees. She played in the ground, ran on the soft grass, the blue sky just above her –unfettered. She was presented with a dog she fondly named Lassie on her 2nd birthday. That dog still continues to be with her. She had slept with the dog at night and had played with Lassie a lot in the ground. She still sleeps with the dog. 

 The sound of the wind whispering through the trees was so beautiful! Later when she would grow up and study botany, she would be exceptionally good in the paper on gymnosperms which most of her friends were not, making her topple them to become university topper in B.Sc. Maybe she had such a vivid memory of association with the plants belonging to this group somewhere in her subconscious. 

She wrote:

The landlord, Mr. Palmer sat on a lawnmower or his son popularly known as PJ(Palmer Junior). I remember that when the lawn-mowing was done, I would excitedly run from window to window to see the entire process. The entire ground would look so neat after the lawn-mowing! 

The roads were so clean, and the pavements really pavements-smooth and well maintained. 

One thing was very interesting-the postal delivery service. You did not have to go to the Post Office in person to send your letter. After writing a letter, you just had to drop it in the mail box. The mailman would come and take the letter away. Just imagine the level of trust! If you ever went to the post office, what a beautiful post office it was, and also the level of co-operation!

……………………People stayed in their own way and were not so inquisitive,nosy or judgmental, as far as she could recall. 

The way children were taught in school was very, very different than in India-also the attitude of the teachers. She could never recall any teacher scolding or shouting at the top of the voice. It was not that they were not firm, but they smiled and had a certain sense of humour……………….

She thought:

 As far as I could recall, first I went to a little daycare of children supervised by Kristen Ma’am. We were children and were never forced to do anything. We were made to do very playful activities and the teacher was very friendly with us, just like our friend. I remember there was a girl called Christina-she was fair with beautiful blondish hair, Chinese cut. There was a naughty boy called Monroe who once bit my hand. The teacher handled it intelligently. The teacher always had first-aid for children readily available with her. Outside the little day care was a playground where we used to play. There were swings. I also did other activities I cannot recall so much now. Kristen Ma’am introduced reading of books of very famous author of children-Dr. Seuss. The first book I could recall was that of Sam and the Firefly. It was about Sam the owl and a naughty firefly. There were such beautiful illustrations! She suggested my mother to make me go through those books. After that I read more. Each book was such a delightful read for a child! Another series of beautifully illustrated books for Children was the Golden Books. I have a lovely treasure of those books………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She recollected:

Kristen Ma’am had a basketful of Crayola crayons and she loved two shades very much-Blue and Spring green.

She later went to a school Little Red Riding Hood. She had a lovely time there. There were four teachers-very friendly. As children they mainly had fun activities, story -telling sessions. She remembered that she made a cake with the guidance of her teachers. She remembered her birthday celebrated there. She danced. There was no pressure. She as a child was learning, playing and enjoying childhood literally. One boy Evin had proposed her for marriage at that time-it was the first time she got a marriage proposal.

She remembered when she was admitted to Kindergarten school. She faintly recollected she went with her parents in a certain meeting, and was introduced to her teacher Miss Tulin whom she instantly liked. She started going to school in a school bus. She remembered her school playground which she liked very much and a boy named Andrew who was a very good friend of hers. They had turns to decide and plan the tiffin, and one day she was partnered by Andrew to make tiffin for everybody. She remembered a Physical Trainer, Mr. Souls. He was very friendly with children and nobody felt scared. The exercises were simple and playful. She enjoyed when he taught to make a ball hit the wall and catch it when it bounced back.

She had lovely toys- Fisher Price tea set with pink and blue cups, kettle, spoons; ponies of different varieties-Princess Pony(each pony had a jewel on the head, the hair was long, the length of the tail was adjustable ),Dancing Pony(if you turned a type of button adjacent to the tail the tail would start turning), sweet cute baby ponies with glitters, butterfly wings; Rainbow Pony(pony with rainbow colored hair),pony with wings-only to name a few. The innocent graceful beauty of the ponies of variety of colors and designs were so adorable to her! In a shop she had seen a beautiful Wedding Pony with a beautiful white veil, wedding ring on one of the legs. In the late 80s and early 90s the beauty of ponies was unparalleled.

The Barbie dolls were lovely. She had a beautiful ice-skating Barbie with ice skating shoes and a skirt of beautiful shades of pink, mauve, blue. The top was silvery. Beach Barbie, Princess Barbie, Ken –Barbie’s boyfriend, so handsome. She had a garden Barbie in a beautiful mauve gown- the lower part of the gown had a different design if reversed. All the ponies and barbies had their own attractive combs. One day she remembered her father giving her a Barbie horse- a lovely golden horse with such a beautiful structure, beautiful hair and feminine grace!

She would love to stay in her own mind, play and interact with her toys. She loved to spend time with herself undisturbed. She still has that habit and this habit makes the best come out of her.

She had a doll-Little Miss Make Up. If you used water of different temperatures and ice on the face, the make up would change. It was such a delight to play with the doll and the doll was so sweet! She loved the stickers, the Easter bunnies………………the children films “Dumbo’’, “The Lady and the Tramp’’, “Bambi’’, the TV show “Sesame Street.’’

She played with blocks. She had a variety of toys which she had preserved with care till adulthood. 

Her mother had donated many of her toys to the orphans of Missionaries of Charity in Kolkata.

In her adulthood she had spent 3 days with the children there as part of her college’s social community outreach activity. That was an unforgettable experience. She had seen to her delight one of the nurses consulting her favorite book Baby and Child Care by Dr. Benjamin Spock.

The mind drifting into fond remembrances………………………………this tendency increased and the tendency of troublesome thoughts triggered by troublesome people decreased.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

ANITA’S DREAM

She had a dream one day……………………………..

She was immersed in deep sleep at night. In her slumber she saw that she was dancing to a beautiful music composition “La Valse de Couperet’’ composed by renowned French composer Armand Amar. Few years ago she out of her own interest had attended a workshop on Laban Movement Analysis conducted in Kolkata for 5 days. Rudolph Laban had a lot of contributions in modern educational dance and he had worked in Paris also. A French dancer based in Paris had conducted the workshop and among her music suggestions, this composition she loved a lot. Later with the help of a dance teacher she did a dance choreography with this composition. 

Now she was dancing in a big room where her paintings were exhibited. Suddenly she saw a male entrant. He was a very handsome Bengali man dressed in classic Bengali attire of olden times. She had never seen a man so appealing! She stood, not knowing what to do. She observed him intently. There was a mirror in front. When she stood in front of the mirror, she saw the reflection of a French lady of olden times looking very much like her and behind her she saw this man. She got startled and then again observed the reflection. This time she saw the man with the Ganges as backdrop talking with the lady she had earlier observed. The backdrop resembled Chandannagore. 

He was still there. She looked at him questioningly. He smiled. He looked at her with his eyes loaded with love and lot of genuine concern also. His gaze penetrated her. 

She felt like running to him and embrace him. She did not feel any uneasiness.

When she started approaching him, she suddenly saw him vanish and in his place stood her present lover. She was highly disappointed and searched for him. But she noticed something very exceptional. She could see the face of this man as a floating image on the chest region of her lover. 

She got up, but saw nothing in front of her. It was dawn. 

Perplexed, she stepped out of bed and went to the verandah. The birds were chirping. She searched for him but there was no trace. The gentle breeze seemed to caress her like a lover. She felt it was a new dawn.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

ROMANCE, DREAM COME TRUE  

Often her thoughts would be preoccupied by him.

She loved Tagore’s song “Bodhu Kon Alo Laglo Chokhe.’(Maiden, what light did you see?)Whenever she thought of him, she could feel the song to its core. It was one of her most favorite songs with which she loved to dance.

Certainly, whom had she seen! She would often sit fantasizing him. 

One day she felt like going to Jorashanko Thakurbari. She marveled at the vast array of creative gems she saw, and the fantastic achievements. She was also creative and somehow she felt more fearless and light. 

She was sitting on a bench in the terrace with a group of students, literally enjoying the afternoon and humming the immortal Tagore love song, “Ami tomaro shonge bedhechi amaro praan shurero bandhone.’’(I have tied my heart with you with music)She was in a happy , poetic, romantic mood and the breeze was flirting with her when her lover’s phone rang, “Could you please check my email?’’

She laughed, “No, I am not in a position to do so. I am now sitting on the terrace of Thakurbari.’’

He was surprised,“Oh really, you did not tell me.’’

She replied, “No, I had planned yesterday and today it worked out. I was not very sure.’’

How she had expected to see the man of her dreams here! But no, her present lover had resonated with her romantic mood.

On her way back she was feeling like dancing in the Thakurbari premises. Somehow she was feeling very happy. 

She felt more and more powerful from inside. She was planning to have her own organization and give employment to people with reasonable salary, giving stress on work-life balance, emphasizing more on quality than on quantity. She wanted to cultivate relations with different countries. Somewhere she was getting power amidst the intermittent discouragements and self-doubts.

She did not feel any dependence on him and he could sense her power. He felt afraid that because of his strange complicacies she might slip away. 

She started noticing some changes in him that surprised her to some extent.

One day he said, “ I am loving you so much. I have never loved you so much before.’’

Another day he heard a cuckoo singing beautifully when he called her. Few days later her mother called her in the late afternoon and showed her the cuckoo. He was prominently visible and below him was a female cuckoo perched on a branch. It was a rare sight not to be seen everyday. She was standing, admiring the duo when he called.

He said, “You do not love me nowadays.’’

She controlled her irritation and replied, “Yes. Now I am watching a scene I rarely get to see.’’ She described him.

He replied, “Yes. You watch. If you talk they will fly away. If you come here also you will get to hear and see many cuckoos. I want to talk to your mother.’’

She was glad. That chatterbox will now talk with her mother giving her some respite. She went out for a walk, and the cuckoos were still sitting. She felt so lovely! She wished the cuckoo couple long lasting happiness. As for her own she could only pray.

Certain changes she noticed. Her mind was more full of recollections of the special moments she had enjoyed with her lover and her father, of the good things both of them had done for her.  

One day when she told him to alter his ways of money management, he said, “I cannot. I will hand over to you all the money. You do the money management.’’

Another day she was amazed. He never liked being photographed but he said, “I feel I need some nice photos of mine to attract more subscribers.’’

He said one day, “I have kept few thousand rupees in my savings account and few thousand aside for myself or any emergency requirements.’’

She was on cloud nine and sensed ripples of soothing chills descending her nerves.

He started to become more health conscious.

She was so surprised when he started giving importance on pregnancy planning, family planning and effective birth control methods. Earlier she had broached the topics and there have been misunderstandings, he was not aware and had resistances to have such discussions even though he softened at times. His lack of awareness about certain important things had generated uneasiness in her. Now she was so relieved and happy!

His extremes were going away. His manliness became more in his gentle moderate ways. His irritating nature that annoyed her in many ways was subsiding. He was making better decisions. He was on a constant mode to upgrade himself, and his tendency to pull her down or impose his choices and habits lessened with time.

He was more inclined to stay with her in peace. She did not have to face the ordeal of staying amidst negativity and madness. 

Already in the neighbouring area around his home he had been subject to lot of insults-everybody were too nosy and just knew just too much. He wanted to stay somewhere else in peace. The flat which the promoter was not giving was now in possession.

Her mother was the person who had loved and understood her the most and been genuinely well-intentioned throughout. She never wanted to leave her mother. She stayed upstairs and her parents lived downstairs in the same building. 

His mother also became more loving and neighbourhood more better.

DIVINE INTERVENTION-HER INTERPRETATIONS

Literally, some magic was happening and she was feeling that she was coming out from the long-term quagmire in which she had been groping.

She could not dismiss her dreams at all. She felt as if the dream symbolized she had a lover in Chandannagore in olden times. She lived there…she felt she was a French with Bengali connections in her previous birth. Many Europeans-Dutch, Portuguese, French, English had come to Bengal and somewhere she and her parents had the genes in the blood she felt, even though she nor her parents could name anybody. In United States of America also many Europeans and Bengalis had gone and stayed. Many French Americans and Bengalis reside or have gone to California and New England area of U.S.A. which includes Vermont as well.

 Now as if Jesus listened to her prayers and made the spirit of this old lover enter in her as well as her present lover, making her present lover more adorable, herself more powerful-past fond recollections, pleasant feelings, positive developments empowering her mind and making her circumstances more favorable. 

Beautiful moments, dreams soaked in the cascades of spiritual empowering love,

Descending like a divine waterfall, washing away all dirt and gloom-

The feeling of living time and again through those moments…..

Interpreting and re-interpreting the preciousness in new ways…….

Making the blossoming of a bed of the most vibrant and smiling of sunflowers possible

Even on the insecure loose soils with the thorns of life-

Helping to discover a new sun of a new joyous world……

Sunflower has a harmonious combination of two types of florets-central disc florets and peripheral ray florets. She already had a man in her life, but his trying circumstances and limitations were often dragging her towards darkness. The man in her dreams had come with a synergistic effect. She had two men like the two florets of the sunflower. The sunflower love gave her enthusiasm, assurance, divine power. Nourished by this love, the desert of her life started transforming into lush green expanses, propelling her life more towards the sun, giving relief from stress. In the blue dreamy realms of solitude this love started creating a garland of soothing water colour paintings of emotional healing.

 

 

But if they were lovers in the past, there must be some evidence. Will she ever get any tangible proof?

One day when she went out for a walk in the afternoon pondering whether rebirth, reincarnation was truly possible or not, she saw a baby girl playing in the playground with her grandfather. Somehow she felt an urge to talk.

Her grandfather told very lovingly, “She is my Ma, my mother. She knows everything about me, even if I have cut my finger and whether it has healed properly or not.’’

Then surprisingly he asked her, “Do you believe in rebirth and regeneration? You do not , na?’’

She replied, “No, no, why not! I partially believe. Why tell me if you have anything to say.’’

Then he opened up, “My mother died early in an accident. You know, people who die early do less sins. So God blesses them with rebirth. She has all the manners, all the care I have seen in my mother. Even the tone of her voice is so much like her. You won’t believe she can even say about certain places where my mother has been. I firmly believe she is my mother reborn.’’

Anita did not know what to say. She added, “Yes, there are genes. Genes have magic.’’ He readily agreed.

It was as if God cleared her doubt- yes, there is rebirth and reincarnation. Such is the blessing of the Almighty!